The Bear Tooth in Anchorage, Alaska or How to drink with Cameron Johnson in 12 easy steps.
@ the airport:
Step 1 Make sure Cameron has the same flight as you do from Seattle to Anchorage.
Step 2 Have 4 double-vodka/tonics before boarding the plane.
Step 3 Have 6 more double-vodka/tonics when the flight is delayed for 2 hours. *
On the plane:
Step 4 Meet and befriend a young Army Dude on plane and take turns buying rounds.
Step 5 After your 3rd beer, graciously accept Cameron’s purchase of 2 mini-bottles of Finlandia vodka and down them immediately.
@ the hotel:
Step 6 Polish off 1 more mini-bottle, this time bourbon, shot style with Cameron who somehow has the ability to produce mini-bottles of booze from his pocket o’ plenty, then head to the theatre. **
@ the theatre:
Step 7 Kindly accept the free pitcher of beer compliments of the theatre owner and split it with Cameron. Cameron will be thrilled because it matches the pitcher of beer he already purchased. This means you each get your own personal pitcher of beer that you can drink from as if it were a giant beer stein.
Step 8 Chug “demo-beers� before the movie rolls, just to excite the audience even more. Your throat is so lubricated by this point you can chug a beer in 3 to 5 seconds. No bullshit. ***
@ the bars
Step 9 Bubbling with enthusiasm, head over to Chilcoot Charlie’s and accept the “round o’ shots� offer from the odd biker fellow with the gnome-like beard and then force your shot down when you realize it is a giant PINK KAMIKAZE … an odd choice from an odd biker. The sugar content of this shot will make a tiny knot in your stomach, but you must be gracious as not to offend the locals.
Step 10 Have a Billy Bob/Car Bomb (Yeager & Redbull) to wash down your beer and comment that the odd biker fellow who bought you the tummy-knotting shots seems to have vanished. Then, out of pure curiosity, trek to another bar (F-Street Station) to see if the booze there tastes any different than the booze at the last bar. Another double-vodka/tonic and a Red-Headed-Slut should suffice. ****
Step 11 After realizing the booze tastes the same at both bars, head back to the first bar where there were more Alaskan Femmes to ogle. When the odd biker fellow resurfaces with another free round of Kamikazes, or as I like to call them … intestinal-headlocks, smile and swiftly force them down. The pain from this shot can be temporarily quelled by having two more Billy Bobs, back to back. By the time you realize that every woman in the place at that point is either with someone, not your type, or nursing a child at a table near the bar, Cameron will have made sure that you are both asked to leave the premises immediately. This is achieved by waiting until the stocky little 5’6� bouncer with the Napoleonic complex says something about his girlfriend having a tattoo just like the one on Cameron’s back. Cameron will respond with something like. “Little fella, you are way too small to be talking to me like that,� and the bouncer will instinctively furrow his brow and gather ever other bouncer in the place to escort Cameron and yourself out of the bar. *****
Back @ the hotel:
Step 12 At 2:47AM, fall asleep partially clothed sitting at the table in front of your nearly finished can of beer. Revel in the terrible dreams conjured by Cameron’s grizzly-like snoring, then awake at 6AM and go to the bathroom where the PINK KAMIKAZES have finally hit their target and toss whatever cookies you have left into the wastebasket while simultaneously evacuating your belly from the rear. This is a relatively painless process as you are still drunk and will remain that way until at least 9:30AM. Just make sure to sit on the toilet and hurl into the wastebasket. Reversing these receptacles is not a good idea as I discovered the last time I was drink for 20 consecutive hours at Mardis Gras back in 1986. Which proves, in the world of booze, a Hurricane is more deadly than a Kamikaze, and a lot messier.
Footnotes
* Be sure to eat something, roast beef sandwich, fries, anything to help you soak up some of the booze or your liver will never forgive you.
** Cameron’s ability to produce booze from thin air is magical, a very Messiah-like quality that compliments his others. eg. The goatee, his threshold for pain, ability to walk on water.
*** Oddly enough, we could only find a 6 pack of 8oz. Coors Lights, which I have never seen before. They screw you on the price, however, the flipside is the audience was awed even more when we chugged our beers in 2 seconds.
**** I have no idea what is in this shot other than alcohol, something that makes it red, and its’ ability to make almost any woman act like a slut. The amount of shots and when the woman in question will act like a slut varies. I suggest 1 shot per 60 pounds of body weight.
***** During any altercation with anyone, be it a tiny bouncer like the one at Chilcoot Charlie’s, a college wrestling team, or a pack of wild bison, Cameron will smile brightly the entire time and occasionally laugh if any of the “escorters� trips over their words or, in our case, their own two feet. If any situation should come to blows, stand back and watch Cameron dispense of the larger aggressors first which will make the smaller ones shake nervously before they scamper away. This is a bonus visual that will not only make you laugh, but will create a memory you can relish in for years to come.
