I know. It sounds like a bad new sitcom on Fox starring Dave Coulier, Andrew “Dice� Clay, and Sinbad. And if a Fox executive reads this it probably will be.
But that’s the risk you take when you tackle a topic like this.

As the saying goes, BOYS WILL BE BOYS… and MEN WILL BE OUTDOORSMEN… if they’re given the chance. Yes, there’s an Outdoorsman inside every man. It doesn’t matter if you’re a desk jockey, a janitor, the CEO of some badass Fortune 500 Company, or that boring dude that sits around all day organizing his paperclips. Strip away the confines of society, escape the responsibilities of the 9 to 5 world, surround yourself with other men who’ve done the same, and you’ll soon find yourself in full-on Outdoorsman mode. These are the moments when dares are taken, heads are shaved, arms are wrestled, and men share those things that women wish they would show more of on a regular basis… emotions. What the women don’t seem to understand is that all those emotions that men keep protected and guarded WILL NOT surface by dragging them to the latest Sandra Bullock flick. Nora Effron movies will only piss a man off and make him tuck those emotions away so deep inside that they’ll forget where they left them. And all they’ll be thinking about is the sickening aftertaste of Meg Ryan trying to be cute while she says words like Destiny and Fate. That’s not the way to a man’s emotional stockade. To find that, a woman has to first understand men, specifically HER man, and that is no easy task.

WHAT DO MEN DO WHEN MEN DO WHAT THEY WANT TO DO?

We could easily go straight into the gutter with obvious answers that would most likely involve sex, sports, boobs, and booze. And boobs again. Honestly, when it comes to men, it’s really hard to imagine a situation where you would hear the phrase, “There’s too many boobs here!�

So, for this exercise let’s focus on the other “b� word up there. BOOZE. Specifically, that cool frosty brew that is synonymous with all that is manly: BEER. For ages it has stood above all other alcoholic beverages as the quintessential MALE beverage.

WHY DO MEN DRINK BEER?

1. TO GET DRUNK
Well, duh! But you can do that just as effectively with hard liquor or household furniture polish.

2. TO FEEL GOOD
Yes, Beer does that…maybe not as well as the love of a good woman. But a six-pack only costs about $7, and it will never blow your boss behind your back at the company Christmas party.

3. TO FORGET
Certainly, enough Beers will do that too. And if your girlfriend is cheating on you with your boss you’re gonna need a few drinks. It’s no secret that you can send countless numbers of painful and sad memories away on a temporary vacation from your brain by ingesting a few carefully paced Brewskies.

But the most important and oft forgotten reason for drinking BEER…

FRATERNITY

That’s right, FRATERNITY, or from the Latin fraternitas, meaning the state or feeling of mutual support and friendship within a group… that group being Men. And that feeling of friendship, camaraderie, and brotherhood is only deepened by the simple communal act of sharing a cold Beer. It is no coincidence that Beer is the #1 beverage purchased by every frat house across this sweet piece of terra firma known as America. It is without doubt the most fundamental element of male bonding and the key to understanding what makes men tick.

THE ETERNAL ICE-BREAKER

What’s the best way to get a group of guys who are total strangers to open up and get to know one another? Give ‘em a few cold ones and a football. By the end of the afternoon they’ll be playing catch like bros and telling each other stories of the first time they saw a chick naked or played starting cornerback on their JV high school team.

There are a lot of women out there who drink with their men. But do they drink Beer? It completely changes the dynamic. Picture this: A bar. A man and a woman are together, drinking. The man has a Beer in hand, the woman, a glass of wine. She’s beautiful, he’s charming, it is the perfect setting to open up to one another. But the man will never open up in this situation. Why not? Because the woman is drinking a glass of wine. If she were drinking a Beer it would be a different story. All beverages have built in limitations that dictate how far a conversation can go… all of them except Beer.

THE TOAST TEST

For those who doubt the above statements I’ve made, put your beverage to the test.

JUICE. Orange, apple, grapefruit, you name it. Raise your glass and make a toast. To what, you ask? Well, what feels right when you raise a glass of juice?

“To… this great breakfast!�
“To… mom!�
“To… 6 months without booze!�

SODA. Cola’s, energy drinks, or anything non-alcoholic with bubbles in it. What feels natural rolling off the ol’ tongue?

“To… good grades!�
“To… best friends!�
“To… our boys overseas!�

WINE. Merlots, Zins, Cabs, Pinots, Chards, Blushes, Spritzers and more. Somehow you can’t get out of the hoity toity, event based glass raising that goes with that grape based beverage.

“To… the bride!�
“To… the groom!�
“To… gay marriage!�

WHISKEY. Aside from drinking with the boss or the one on one conversation with a friend, the hard liquor toast is usually in celebration of a promotion, a firing, or anything else that falls into the opposite ends of the circle of life.

“To… my ex-wife!�
“To… my future ex-wife!�
“To… my unemployment check!�

BEER. You name it, you can toast it. Seriously, don’t even think about it. Just raise your Beer and start toasting. There is nothing that can come out of your mouth that doesn’t work in a toast when you toast it with Beer.

“To… big boobs, chess tournaments, car chases, Russian literature, midgets, hair-dye, armpits, break dancing, the Dali Lama, and anything else you can pull out of your ass!�

The universal nature of Beer makes it the Great Equalizer, on endless levels. If you can get someone to have a Beer with you, you’re guaranteed a relaxed conversation. Get them to share 3 or 4, you can get them to tell you just about anything.

The guys who compete in The Outdoorsmen have something that most people I know have lost over the years. Something they would have lost if it wasn’t for that first group of guys acting on the thing they realized that was happening. LIFE. After graduating high school, reality began to creep in and made it clear that the keggers, the goofing off, and the plain ol’ act of kicking back with a bunch of buddies was being replaced with responsibilities. Between jobs, wives, kids, and bills… the partying would eventually stop. So The Outdoorsmen was created… that once a year getaway where all those responsibilities vanish and are replaced with men behaving manly. Take Beer and friendship, then throw in some intense competition and you’ve got an instant release for anything that’s getting you down. Not only that, but you’ve got new memories to last you until next time, and to look back on once the working days are finally gone.

For a taste of what Beer and romance can be like, check out this clip of Steve “SRV� Varnell talking about the first time he saw Renae, the woman he’s not only shared the last 15 years of his life with, but with whom he’s also shared a countless number of Beers.

Now that’s what I call romance.

If you’re a woman who wants to get closer to your man, or a man who wants to open up more to your woman, skip the wine and cheese and head for the Beer and pretzels. Women may never be able to fully understand men, but Beer will make trying to a hell of a lot more fun.